It Puts the Sports Bra On…

Workouts are a bitch.

Time is never on your side.

Television and couch potatoitis sucks the life out of you.

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But this girl has begun to Kickstart her life in the ass… And the normal guy has pumped me up.

I’m a beachbody coach who’s about to make myself workout daily, stop eating cookies eat better, and start lookin sexy on the daily.

So the first step shall begin:

It puts the sports bar on…

Second step:

Order PiYo and get a team together (join me! Just message me for the details!)

But hey, put the bra on first because, let’s face it, that’s the hardest part in the morning – not letting your girls relax anymore.

When your banana becomes a God

I am a ‘learn something new’ kind of gal.

The weirder the better. So when that normal guy asked me to open a banana I gave him a weird look and obliged.

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He then flat out told me I was wrong.

Umm, you can’t open a banana wrong, fool.

He showed me a ‘different’ way.

Then this happened: ……….

That’s right. I had no words for this badassery.

Turns out since I was a wee pup I’ve been stupidly trying to open a banana with difficulty.

Correction. My ass used a knife to cut off the top so I could tear in to the top to reach this ridiculous fruit.

So what did I learn?

That normal guy is still a jerk for telling me I’m wrong.

I will now eat bananas differently.

I have a new appreciation for weirdos on you tube who show us semi-cool things.

Here’s your something new… Pass it on: Peel a Banana like a Badass

Why am I not wearing any pants?

Thoughts during an important phone call conversation SHOULD be what you’ll say next. Yes, this is mostly the case for me… however there are a few extra bits that take over my brain and I focus on them. Thank God as women we can multi-task… and men think they do (only kidding, but not really).

Recent events left me feeling insecure about my clothing choices.

the radio interview was supposed to begin promptly. It did not. No one is taking blame here (because I don’t like taking blame)… it just happened.

When we were finally connected my business partner and I were ready to take on the world! From our homes. With a glass of wine, or a kitten on our lap. My business partner had the wine and she was probably lounging in the living room or some place normal like the kitchen. I was in my bed. Under the covers. With a cat settled on my lap.

Was I nervous? No… Was I preoccupied? Absolutely.

This interview was happening late at night. My hair was a mess from work and travel. I had tried to change into my pajamas after putting my little girl down to sleep but only managed half way. That’s right folks… I didn’t have my pants. And it’s all I could focus on.

Why am I not wearing pants? Will they notice? Does my voice sound different without pants on?

Once I convinced myself I sounded no different I moved on to the following thoughts:

1. Keep my cat quiet. I don’t want her meowing and then a listener hearing and not buying our book beacuse they don’t like cats.

2. Do I sound like a man?

3. I really wish I had pants. My legs are cold – even under the sheets.

4. Thank goodness I at least had time to put a top on.

5. Why did I pick a bean out of my hand in my dream last night? Did it have magical powers? Is that why it hurt like hell?

What Bestsellers really do…

New Life Within

 

So for those of you who didn’t see me freaking this past weekend – Our book hit the bestseller list in Parenting, Family Relationships, and Motherhood. We are beyond excited. 20% of book proceeds go to the Gabriel Network to help women in crisis pregnancies. We’d love your contribution. Buy our book here…. New Life Within on Amazon

Enough shameless plugging. More to the facts on what happens after you hear this amazing news.

1. Dance with your newborn baby. Then each kitty. Then that normal guy. Then have them all stare, unpleased, at you while you dance by yourself.

2. Text everyone you know (even those who’ve lost touch with).

3. Retell everyone on every social media site.

4. Tell yourself you still need to get dressed for the day. And shower. And comb that hair – it looks cray-cray and bestsellers wake up looking refreshed EVERY MORNING so this is unacceptable.

5. Bake cookies for neighbors, co-workers, parties, and possibly even the dead (because you  always overbake).

6. Celebrate with a $5 pizza (bestsellers aren’t all rich, ya know).

7. Drink champagne by yourself.

8. Go back to the computer and work on your next project.

Holiday Stripper Names

Holiday facts:

1. Hot cocoa isn’t delicious without peppermint schnapps.
2. Coffee isn’t the same without a little Bailey’s.
3. Egg Nog isn’t Egg Nog without, well, any kind of liquor.
4. And family time isn’t complete without one or ALL of the above.

Your only hope of surviving the holidays is to over-pour a few too many times to that one unsuspecting family member. You know the one; can’t keep quiet, always lets the cat out of the bag, told your family that your brother was gay in front of his fiance last year. Yup… that one. Time to get her back… and then give them a nickname for life.

Top five stripper names (I made up):
1. Triple-Ho
2. Mistle-Ho
3. Holly Get Lucky
4. Decca-ur-halls
5. Santa’s Sleigh Ride

Feel free to find the right one for your family. We are all creative when the alcohol is flowing and the craziness is going.

Happy Holidays People. Happy Freakin’ Holidays.

Thanksgiving Crisis: Missing Breadtopia

This morning I had to give that normal guy some pretty bad news.

ME: I forgot to pick up rolls? How could I? That’s a staple for Thanksgiving!

TNG: Yeah, that’s a pretty big mess up. How can I stand being married to someone who forgets ROLLS!!

ME: I know. I’m ashamed. Our marriage is clearly a sham.

TNG: Clearly, built on lies and deceit.

ME: Despite my ability to be a good wife you are an excellent husband. The bread defeats me once again.

TNG: I am willing to look past the horrible event and move on… I… Forgive… You.

ME: I don’t deserve your forgiveness but will gladly take it *grabs it before he changes his mind*

End Result: This colossal mistake will be handled and Breadtopia will resume at our house. I apologize for anyone I frightened with this mess up. Hopefully you don’t make the same mistake. You have a few days to get out there and buy ALL THE RIGHT THANKSGIVING STAPLES.

Going Penananas at the Office

Everyone knows how important pens are, especially the ones that we call our favorite. We take it everywhere with us and when it’s lost we mourn while searching. Well last week a pen had gone missing from someones hand and landed by the candy jar in my office. Once the owner was identified a few of us decided they needed a lesson on their forgetfulness.

There names have been changed for unnecessary safety precautions (mostly because it’s cool to rename people).

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 3:47 PM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: Pen Ransom

Hi,

This is your pen. I’m being held hostage. Please send money… your best offer.

Pen

Sincerely,
SAVE ME!

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 3:49 PM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: FW: Pen Ransom

Hi, this is your pen again. My hostages are giving you a hint…

I’m at Miceli’s Restaurant with Helen Waite. Please come find me and bring money. I can’t write without you.

From: LaFleur, Johanna
Sent: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 4:16 PM
To: Landia, Bored
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

I miss you dear Pen, sleep well in the company of strangers! A night away from me will do you good—I’m pretty sure these are good people at heart!
I would write a check for the ransom, but I don’t have my pen (or a check actually)!

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 6:47 AM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

Dear Owner,

My quarters were dark and chilling. Has anyone mentioned the office is like an iceberg around here? When with you I feel cozy and warm. You just left me to suffer a painful existence being used by those carelessly reaching for their latest candy craving.

I only wish you’ll come for me before it’s too late or quite possibly this is farewell.

Your lonely forgotten friend,
Pen

From: LaFleur, Johanna
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 7:42 AM
To: Landia, Bored
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

Never fear dear Pen, I’ve had a team doing reconnaissance work all night (they were the ones you might have seen wearing masks and black down jackets to fight off the bitter cold ). My plan is ready to launch, an exchange will be made, and you will be back home safe in my left hand today!
Stay positive!
Me

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 7:44 AM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

I fear it might be too late… I’ve become a righty now.

From: LaFleur, Johanna
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 7:47 AM
To: Landia, Bored
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

Oh no you didn’t!

End Result: The hostage was released and the owner brought her reward – Chocolate and Fruit Snacks. The pen and it’s owner are now walking down the hallway as they once were and she will never let go of her friend again… once she’s got her back to being a lefty that is.