Horrible Bosses – My Form of Torture by Venice

Written by Venice
 
My Form Of Torture:
 
I had a boss once, and she was a son of a.. You get the picture. When I first met her, she was quite ordinary. She was plump, short, and gave us a deceptively sweet smile. Boy we were so wrong! She was the devils brood. Our colleague died and she kept bitching about him to none other than his mother. The nerve of my ex-boss right? Well I’d like to do the following to her:
 
1.       Submerge her lower body in a pool full of piranha
2.       Remove her teeth one by one
3.       Get a scalpel and detach her clit (sorry for this one, but boy am I pissed)
4.       Scream crucio and see her wriggling in agony
5.       Have her spanked by BDSM folks until she can’t stand it
6.       Have her listen to the boring speech of -insert boring person’s name here-
7.       If the purge is true, she’ll be first on my list.
8.       Peel her skin slowly.
9.       Remove her arms, legs, and tongue so she won’t be able to speak about the   encounter.
 
After I’m done with her, death would be preferable. But that will be the easy way out right? Heck don’t hate me for this as I’m just a normal member of the society who wants to seek her revenge. XOXO
 
Craplandia Staff does not condone this to happen in real life. Everyone wants revenge against at least one of their previous bosses. Some are more creative than others. Consider this one overly creative.
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Breast Milk – Not Just for Babies

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Years later and still having cravings for your moms breast? Yeah, me neither but apparently I’m the minority vs the majority.

As I was scanning the worldwide web I came across breast milk lollipops.

Clarification: I was looking for bacon breast milk…. Long story

Instead I found the lollipops and their reviews were weird, which only furthered my amusement on the wonderful world of breast milk.

Here’s what I learned by reading the woman’s report:

“So what does it really taste like?”

I had to find out….so I thought I’d ask some people on the street if it lives up to its name.

“Pina Colada, coconut flavor,” said one man.

His girlfriend answered, “Like a pineapple upside down cake”

Another man said, “Amaretto, kind of vanilla.”

“Yea, vanilla too. Yea, that’s good though,” added his friend.

I said, “The flavor that you’re actually tasting right now is breast milk flavor.”

“Holy Cow,” he replied. “It’s the best breast milk I’ve ever had…They nailed it.”

Another man on the street said, “Nurturing, I guess. Reminds me of my childhood.”

“It’s buttered popcorn,” said one woman.

“It’s breast milk flavor,” I told her.

She responded, “I feel like a creep because I like it.”

…for the full tasty article: Candy Company creates breast milk lollipop.

My thoughts:

They nailed? You really remember the taste? Especially since no two are alike?

Nurturing? Reminds you of childhood? At what age did you give up your addiction to breast milk?

Lesson: Need to learn to stop googling breast milk — unless I want a giggle.

Oh and if you’d like bacon breast milk (yes for your baby, from another woman’s boob) –> I’m still searching. ‘Bacon Baby Instant Baby Formula’ doesn’t count.

Sex up the Fall – Couch Potato Style

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Fall is coming – Which means new television shows, more blockbuster movies, and endless amounts of food and holiday cheer (if you’re into that sort of thing… I’m not *stands in corner protecting Christmas Tree put up in July*)

Those New Year’s Resolutions you’ve been clinging onto (hardly) in hopes to have nailed your swim suit ready look are out the window come October (yes, people prep their stomachs to be able to handle the overload come Thanksgiving).

So I say, stuff your face with good intentions. Good food, good people, good televsion is on its way – embrace the change (yes, I’m referring to your pant size).

Here is a quick workout from the best person on the planet – a couch potato.

1. Remote Access – Leave the remote on the coffee table. Each time a commercial comes up you can lean forward, fast forward, and lean back. That’s like a ten second ab workout! Go you, you crazy wild tiger!

2. Spoon Yourself – Eating dinner on the couch? Sit at the edge of the couch, sitting straight up. Bring the silverware to you. Whoa – what happened – that’s right, we’re promoting great posture and strengthened those arms of yours!

3. Leg up – Do you stretch out on the couch? During a show make a point to lift your legs up above it’s resting place and count to five. Do this during the entire show and you’ve worked your leg muscles! You wo’t even need to wear heels to tighten those calves anymore… MEOW!

4. Head Rush – Lay upside down on your couch while watching a show. This provides an alternate angle for your viewing pleasure AND stretches out your back!

5. Dance Dumb – Your fav television show is about to start? Listen to the intro music and do a quick ten second dance. Jab your arms, kick your feet, and wiggle all about! If your man OR woman is around – a free lap dance doesn’t hurt – just make sure you’ve recorded the new fall preview. You don’t want to be the only one NOT talking about it the next day!

Craplandia Disclaimer: This is not terrible advice but if you’re looking for weight loss I’d suggest you find someone who actually has experience with the art of motivation and weight loss.

But you’re skinny – A growing epidemic

From the overweight:

I can’t lose the weight

I stress eat

I’m not good enough

From the skinny:

I can’t get fat

I stress eat

I’m not good enough

Society thinks the same. No one wants to be overweight and unhealthy. We want to be OUR perfect weight, where no one talks about us. How skinny we are and how they jealous they’ve become, or how much we’ve grown – and not in the good way.

We try to make goals for ourselves. Let’s face it – most of society has a food addiction making those goals even harder to handle.

You get out of bed and immediately crave a donut. You stop yourself from picturing your grubby hands on the deliciousness. Battle 1 – Won. You start to drive to work and pass your favorite donut shop. Battle 2 – Won. You wish you felt victory. Instead you feel guilt for not getting what you wanted AND realize you have twelve more battles to win as there are twelve fast food restaurants between you and ultimate victory.

How can we find something that tastes just like the donut but doesn’t have all the calories?

Where is the happy medium between good and bad?

How can the sadness of not liking who we are keep us from working out?

Today I will focus on the small victories and give myself a few tastks.

I did not pick up a donut – Small Hooray

I will do yoga to practice my breathing and rid me of guilt for not picking up that tasty treat.

I will eat a healthy homemade dinner.

I will jump on the trampline for at least ten minutes.

This is all I can promise myself and today that will have to be enough.

What promises have you made lately? What victories do you have under your belt this week?

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Dating for Life – After you smash the cake in their face

No this is not Ashley Madison. Dating shouldn’t end after vows are shared, you should simply change your tactics. There are still ways to woo your spouse.

Craplandia Disclaimer: This is not for all marriages. Some of you are amazing spouses and never fuck up. I may live in Jensylvania but marriage is still no cake walk – except when you get to take a trip to the cupcake shop (but that’s not the point). You can use some, none, or all of these in your relationship!

This happens AFTER you smash the cake in eachother’s face.

Wedding Cake

Listen up Men… these are for you:

1. Use your tools(s) – If you say you’re going to put up shelving in the closet – do it. Then you’ll get to use the tool you really want to use that night.

2. You eat too – If you’re not going to cook then at least help clean and put the dishes away.

3. Let there be Twilight – whatever weird or extra girly romantic thing she’s into, let her have it. It’s what keeps you fed, laid, and happy.

4. Let them ogle – Some girls can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

Listen up Ladies… these are for you:

1. Keep it Hot – If you cook: excellent, men like food. If you cook sometimes: Super, keep it to their favorite meals. If you don’t – Keep the food warm from the delivery service. It all counts, it’s food in their bellies.

2. Fill up the gas tank – The man doesn’t always have to be the one to do the ‘outdoor’ chores. Save him the trouble of being your gas station attendant and leave the role playing for the bedroom.

3. Shut your mouth side seat driver – Sometimes the man really does know where he’s going. He doesn’t need to take YOUR way, he’s in control so let him be. 95% of the time he spends in your domain (the house) let him control the only %5 he’s got.

4. Let them ogle – Some guys can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

Men and Women – We’re both kind of slutty

And people say girls walk around with little to no clothes on. Restrooms welcome naked men. We’re all a little slutty.

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I’m a 64 cent stripper

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I’m quietly and respectively sitting in a McDonald’s drive-thru waiting for a small ice cream cone, minding my own business, when that normal guy sticks a dollar in my shirt.

Me: I’m now a fast food whore.

That Normal Guy (paying no mind to me): I put a dollar in your string.

Me: I’m officially the cheapest stripper.

That Normal Guy *still feeling awesome* (in a weird voice): I put it in your string but not your g-string.

Yup, I’m still a cheap date.

Lesson: Be a fast food whore if it gets you a 64 cent vanilla cone.