Hair Salons, one of the safest places in America

When the ‘Safest Places in America’ comes out I’m always curious to know what they used to come up with these statistics. Half the time it’s also paired with lame city life which naturally equals no crime. I’m a firm believer that you can live anywhere and still be safe.

Ask yourself:

Are you running from something?

Do you have people who hate you AND own guns?

Did you kid beat someone in a competition at school?

All of these put you at risk for lack of safey and frankly there is no reason to blame the state because your kid is better at t-ball than someone’s over emotional kid.

Some solutions:

If you’re a thief STOP IT and they’ll stop coming after you.

Replace their guns with water guns that way a fight can turn into a fun frenzy.

And teach your kid the art of losing. It’s part of surviving school.

If you chose not to follow any of the above from some off-the-wall strange reason, I’ve come up with a new list.

5 safe places no matter where you’re at in the world, unless that place is nowhere.

1. Your home… with the door locked, and the alarm one.

2. Prison – Where the guards chill. Behind the desk, where they have glass protecting them from the criminals. Or solitary confinement.

3. Under bridges – though find your own, hobos can be nasty.

4. Hair Salons – No person gets between a girl and their hair.

5. Hospitals – If something happens they’ll patch you up. So a stabbing could happen but at least help is available, so that sort of counts.

Anything you’d like to add?

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Restroom Dump – What really weighs on people besides their last meal

The twisted minds of those who enter a stall and decide their thoughts are worth being written on the inside of a bathroom wall.

1. Beverly P. – Loves Trains – ###-###-####

She’s an original alright.

2. Please don’t do coke in the bathroom.

Why not give an alternative location?

3. Pooh (h crossed off)

I could see this individual giggling up a storm and upsetting their stall neighbors.

4. I abuse laxatives. Want to quit. No rehab center is willing to help. Looking to start a group. Join forces at ###-###-####

Umm…. yikes

Bathroom Movie Edition

Poop Trek – A Man taking a journey in a far away land in search of the perfect porcelain god.

Silver linings poopbook – A diary for personal bowels.

The Farting Games – A secluded house holds twelve house guests for thirty days. The competition? Fart out the bad eggs and win the most expensive procelain gold toilet.

We’ve heard the voices of restrom dumpers and still reserve the right to judge. You’re all nuts.

 

Cinderskella

ImageCindy is just a normal 11¾-year-old girl. At least until she wakes up one night and finds out she’s dead. Well, she isn’t technically dead—she just doesn’t have any hair . . . or a nose . . . or skin. Yep—all bones, no body.  

Human by day and skeleton by night, Cindy is definitely cursed. And because her mother recently died, Cindy has no one to turn to except a father who is now scared of her and an evil stepmother who makes her do the housecleaning with a toothbrush. To make matters worse, the Spring Fling dance is approaching, and Ethan, the cutest boy in sixth grade, doesn’t seem to know Cindy exists. Of course, Cindy doesn’t think letting Ethan find out she’s part skeleton is the best way to introduce herself.

While facing such perils as pickled pig’s feet, a wacky fortune teller, and a few quick trips to the Underworld, Cindy’s determined to break the curse—even for a single night.

Cinderskella
is available for purchase at Barnes & Noble

Borst 14

Here’s the code:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Poptarts are sexy and that means Surburbia is sexy again…

Target has nailed it’s latest campaign to make household chores, get this, sexy.

The everday collection now makes me proud to wear my little black dress out shopping – after all, picking up steak, doing laundry, bake sales, and getting poptarts ready for school, that’s the new date night in Suburbia.

Thanks Target, you’ve outdone yourself.

Where are the condoms, donut machines, and sleep masks…

Are these supplies in your office… if not, shouldn’t they be? All these items should be found at your local Office Depot, they don’t, my friend checked.

  1. Condoms

Everyone has heard the stories. Lifetime practically makes a new movie every week behind an inner-office romance. Shouldn’t there be a box of condoms in every board room?

Hello, calling Office Depot, when are they going to be shipped?

  1. Donut Machine

We already have coffee but where are the other calories? Yes, people (whoever they are) want us to go healthy and more green but we still are provided our morning cup of coffee so shouldn’t a donut addition be the least they could do?!

  1. Sleep Masks

Twenty minute power naps are proven to improve employees, so why aren’t we allowed siesta’s at work? Heck, it should still be a part of the day PAST pre-k. So I vote in Sleep Masks so that our naps can be encouraged and appreciated.

  1. Milk and Cookies

Hey if get coffee in the morning where is our mid-afternoon snack? Don’t tell me it’s not necessary for higher productivity and learning because when kids get up from there naps they get snacks *stomps feet*

What should be in your office?

I’m having a baby… with another woman

Yes I’m all female. No that normal guy doesn’t sleep around (unless I’m mad then obviously the couch would make it in this scenario… and he does sleep with woman – but that’s because my cats are traitors).

That normal guy and I are officially matched with a birthmother, which means we are essentially pregnant.

Awesome things about being pregnant and not carrying the child….

  1. DRINKING! That’s right – she’s stuck sipping on water and I get my margaritas – extra tequila please
  2. No extra weight gain – Sympathy weight won’t be an issue for that normal guy and I because we don’t live in the same house let alone the same city.
  3. We get an extra friend – that’s right, this is an open adoption which means we have the opportunity to gain an extra family member and our child will have the blessing of two very special mommies who love them!
  4. Full night’s sleep – Some would consider this a hindrance but we’ll take our chances with enjoying eight hour a night sleeps until the little lady bug comes into our world and the clock strikes HUNGRY, POOPY, ANGRY every two hours.
  5. Sip and See’s! Yes, instead of the traditional baby showers beforehand you get to have everyone come and see your bundle of joy for some cocktails and cuddle time!

 

Things that aren’t so awesome about being pregnant and not carrying the child…

  1. You aren’t pregnancy cute and there is no ‘glow’.
  2. You can’t eat for two without being judged.
  3. There isn’t a guarantee that the baby will be yours at the end.
  4. Scraping up the cash for all the costs is overwhelming.
  5. You don’t get six weeks with your baby unless you’re rich enough to take time off (remembering the adoption broke you, you know that’s impossible).

Movies – An Unsexy Girls Perspective

When that normal guy and I are at home on the weekends we love to watch television – as does most of America. Today I shall allow you the pleasure of entering Jensylvania and take a peek (whether you want to or not) on what questions come up while watching a new film.

1. How often do you think secret service men get to pee?

2. Is there shrinking involved when a ufo captures someone?

3. Do you think after so many takes and a full belly they take invisible bites out of the donuts?

4. How many takes were involved when Thor was forced to say “I’ll take anything large enough to ride”?

5. What do the lunches look like while on set?

When you’re watching a flick – what questions do you ask?