When your banana becomes a God

I am a ‘learn something new’ kind of gal.

The weirder the better. So when that normal guy asked me to open a banana I gave him a weird look and obliged.

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He then flat out told me I was wrong.

Umm, you can’t open a banana wrong, fool.

He showed me a ‘different’ way.

Then this happened: ……….

That’s right. I had no words for this badassery.

Turns out since I was a wee pup I’ve been stupidly trying to open a banana with difficulty.

Correction. My ass used a knife to cut off the top so I could tear in to the top to reach this ridiculous fruit.

So what did I learn?

That normal guy is still a jerk for telling me I’m wrong.

I will now eat bananas differently.

I have a new appreciation for weirdos on you tube who show us semi-cool things.

Here’s your something new… Pass it on: Peel a Banana like a Badass

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Why am I not wearing any pants?

Thoughts during an important phone call conversation SHOULD be what you’ll say next. Yes, this is mostly the case for me… however there are a few extra bits that take over my brain and I focus on them. Thank God as women we can multi-task… and men think they do (only kidding, but not really).

Recent events left me feeling insecure about my clothing choices.

the radio interview was supposed to begin promptly. It did not. No one is taking blame here (because I don’t like taking blame)… it just happened.

When we were finally connected my business partner and I were ready to take on the world! From our homes. With a glass of wine, or a kitten on our lap. My business partner had the wine and she was probably lounging in the living room or some place normal like the kitchen. I was in my bed. Under the covers. With a cat settled on my lap.

Was I nervous? No… Was I preoccupied? Absolutely.

This interview was happening late at night. My hair was a mess from work and travel. I had tried to change into my pajamas after putting my little girl down to sleep but only managed half way. That’s right folks… I didn’t have my pants. And it’s all I could focus on.

Why am I not wearing pants? Will they notice? Does my voice sound different without pants on?

Once I convinced myself I sounded no different I moved on to the following thoughts:

1. Keep my cat quiet. I don’t want her meowing and then a listener hearing and not buying our book beacuse they don’t like cats.

2. Do I sound like a man?

3. I really wish I had pants. My legs are cold – even under the sheets.

4. Thank goodness I at least had time to put a top on.

5. Why did I pick a bean out of my hand in my dream last night? Did it have magical powers? Is that why it hurt like hell?

Holiday Stripper Names

Holiday facts:

1. Hot cocoa isn’t delicious without peppermint schnapps.
2. Coffee isn’t the same without a little Bailey’s.
3. Egg Nog isn’t Egg Nog without, well, any kind of liquor.
4. And family time isn’t complete without one or ALL of the above.

Your only hope of surviving the holidays is to over-pour a few too many times to that one unsuspecting family member. You know the one; can’t keep quiet, always lets the cat out of the bag, told your family that your brother was gay in front of his fiance last year. Yup… that one. Time to get her back… and then give them a nickname for life.

Top five stripper names (I made up):
1. Triple-Ho
2. Mistle-Ho
3. Holly Get Lucky
4. Decca-ur-halls
5. Santa’s Sleigh Ride

Feel free to find the right one for your family. We are all creative when the alcohol is flowing and the craziness is going.

Happy Holidays People. Happy Freakin’ Holidays.

Going Penananas at the Office

Everyone knows how important pens are, especially the ones that we call our favorite. We take it everywhere with us and when it’s lost we mourn while searching. Well last week a pen had gone missing from someones hand and landed by the candy jar in my office. Once the owner was identified a few of us decided they needed a lesson on their forgetfulness.

There names have been changed for unnecessary safety precautions (mostly because it’s cool to rename people).

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 3:47 PM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: Pen Ransom

Hi,

This is your pen. I’m being held hostage. Please send money… your best offer.

Pen

Sincerely,
SAVE ME!

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 3:49 PM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: FW: Pen Ransom

Hi, this is your pen again. My hostages are giving you a hint…

I’m at Miceli’s Restaurant with Helen Waite. Please come find me and bring money. I can’t write without you.

From: LaFleur, Johanna
Sent: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 4:16 PM
To: Landia, Bored
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

I miss you dear Pen, sleep well in the company of strangers! A night away from me will do you good—I’m pretty sure these are good people at heart!
I would write a check for the ransom, but I don’t have my pen (or a check actually)!

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 6:47 AM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

Dear Owner,

My quarters were dark and chilling. Has anyone mentioned the office is like an iceberg around here? When with you I feel cozy and warm. You just left me to suffer a painful existence being used by those carelessly reaching for their latest candy craving.

I only wish you’ll come for me before it’s too late or quite possibly this is farewell.

Your lonely forgotten friend,
Pen

From: LaFleur, Johanna
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 7:42 AM
To: Landia, Bored
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

Never fear dear Pen, I’ve had a team doing reconnaissance work all night (they were the ones you might have seen wearing masks and black down jackets to fight off the bitter cold ). My plan is ready to launch, an exchange will be made, and you will be back home safe in my left hand today!
Stay positive!
Me

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 7:44 AM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

I fear it might be too late… I’ve become a righty now.

From: LaFleur, Johanna
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 7:47 AM
To: Landia, Bored
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

Oh no you didn’t!

End Result: The hostage was released and the owner brought her reward – Chocolate and Fruit Snacks. The pen and it’s owner are now walking down the hallway as they once were and she will never let go of her friend again… once she’s got her back to being a lefty that is.

Movies – An Unsexy Girls Perspective

When that normal guy and I are at home on the weekends we love to watch television – as does most of America. Today I shall allow you the pleasure of entering Jensylvania and take a peek (whether you want to or not) on what questions come up while watching a new film.

1. How often do you think secret service men get to pee?

2. Is there shrinking involved when a ufo captures someone?

3. Do you think after so many takes and a full belly they take invisible bites out of the donuts?

4. How many takes were involved when Thor was forced to say “I’ll take anything large enough to ride”?

5. What do the lunches look like while on set?

When you’re watching a flick – what questions do you ask?

Even Cats need Prozac

20130902-131924.jpgCats are anxious, apparently.

Between naps, food, trips to the bathroom, 24 hour need of petting, AND plotting to kill you, their day is endless.

I have two cats and my calico is a clean freak. She loves mopped floors, wiped down counters, and works tirelessly to clean her pristine-always-sparkling paws.

So when she disgustingly shared her cleaning addiction to me earlier this week (yes, hairball cleanup) I knew we needed a plan of action because hairball formula wasn’t cutting it.

So we stopped by the vet. I love my cats. They may be assholes but they’re my assholes.

Their advice – give her a laxative.

Lucky:it’s a treat she likes.
Unlucky: Cleaning cat litter will NOT be a treat.

If it doesn’t work she’ll need Prozac to calm down the cleaning.

My cat – too clean?! An obsessive compulsive disorder in a cat… Who knew anxiety for the lazy was at such a heightened state.

Lesson: Even cats struggle and they have it easy.

Breast Milk – Not Just for Babies

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Years later and still having cravings for your moms breast? Yeah, me neither but apparently I’m the minority vs the majority.

As I was scanning the worldwide web I came across breast milk lollipops.

Clarification: I was looking for bacon breast milk…. Long story

Instead I found the lollipops and their reviews were weird, which only furthered my amusement on the wonderful world of breast milk.

Here’s what I learned by reading the woman’s report:

“So what does it really taste like?”

I had to find out….so I thought I’d ask some people on the street if it lives up to its name.

“Pina Colada, coconut flavor,” said one man.

His girlfriend answered, “Like a pineapple upside down cake”

Another man said, “Amaretto, kind of vanilla.”

“Yea, vanilla too. Yea, that’s good though,” added his friend.

I said, “The flavor that you’re actually tasting right now is breast milk flavor.”

“Holy Cow,” he replied. “It’s the best breast milk I’ve ever had…They nailed it.”

Another man on the street said, “Nurturing, I guess. Reminds me of my childhood.”

“It’s buttered popcorn,” said one woman.

“It’s breast milk flavor,” I told her.

She responded, “I feel like a creep because I like it.”

…for the full tasty article: Candy Company creates breast milk lollipop.

My thoughts:

They nailed? You really remember the taste? Especially since no two are alike?

Nurturing? Reminds you of childhood? At what age did you give up your addiction to breast milk?

Lesson: Need to learn to stop googling breast milk — unless I want a giggle.

Oh and if you’d like bacon breast milk (yes for your baby, from another woman’s boob) –> I’m still searching. ‘Bacon Baby Instant Baby Formula’ doesn’t count.