When your banana becomes a God

I am a ‘learn something new’ kind of gal.

The weirder the better. So when that normal guy asked me to open a banana I gave him a weird look and obliged.

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He then flat out told me I was wrong.

Umm, you can’t open a banana wrong, fool.

He showed me a ‘different’ way.

Then this happened: ……….

That’s right. I had no words for this badassery.

Turns out since I was a wee pup I’ve been stupidly trying to open a banana with difficulty.

Correction. My ass used a knife to cut off the top so I could tear in to the top to reach this ridiculous fruit.

So what did I learn?

That normal guy is still a jerk for telling me I’m wrong.

I will now eat bananas differently.

I have a new appreciation for weirdos on you tube who show us semi-cool things.

Here’s your something new… Pass it on: Peel a Banana like a Badass

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Dating for Life – After you smash the cake in their face

No this is not Ashley Madison. Dating shouldn’t end after vows are shared, you should simply change your tactics. There are still ways to woo your spouse.

Craplandia Disclaimer: This is not for all marriages. Some of you are amazing spouses and never fuck up. I may live in Jensylvania but marriage is still no cake walk – except when you get to take a trip to the cupcake shop (but that’s not the point). You can use some, none, or all of these in your relationship!

This happens AFTER you smash the cake in eachother’s face.

Wedding Cake

Listen up Men… these are for you:

1. Use your tools(s) – If you say you’re going to put up shelving in the closet – do it. Then you’ll get to use the tool you really want to use that night.

2. You eat too – If you’re not going to cook then at least help clean and put the dishes away.

3. Let there be Twilight – whatever weird or extra girly romantic thing she’s into, let her have it. It’s what keeps you fed, laid, and happy.

4. Let them ogle – Some girls can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

Listen up Ladies… these are for you:

1. Keep it Hot – If you cook: excellent, men like food. If you cook sometimes: Super, keep it to their favorite meals. If you don’t – Keep the food warm from the delivery service. It all counts, it’s food in their bellies.

2. Fill up the gas tank – The man doesn’t always have to be the one to do the ‘outdoor’ chores. Save him the trouble of being your gas station attendant and leave the role playing for the bedroom.

3. Shut your mouth side seat driver – Sometimes the man really does know where he’s going. He doesn’t need to take YOUR way, he’s in control so let him be. 95% of the time he spends in your domain (the house) let him control the only %5 he’s got.

4. Let them ogle – Some guys can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

Pillow Talk for the unsexy girl

Me: I wish I had leg and ankle warmers.

That normal guy: Leg warmers would be pants and ankle warmers would be socks.

Me: It’s too hot to wear those.

That normal guy: Probably not

He puts his headphones on. I turn toward the wall and close my eyes, admitting defeat.