Why am I not wearing any pants?

Thoughts during an important phone call conversation SHOULD be what you’ll say next. Yes, this is mostly the case for me… however there are a few extra bits that take over my brain and I focus on them. Thank God as women we can multi-task… and men think they do (only kidding, but not really).

Recent events left me feeling insecure about my clothing choices.

the radio interview was supposed to begin promptly. It did not. No one is taking blame here (because I don’t like taking blame)… it just happened.

When we were finally connected my business partner and I were ready to take on the world! From our homes. With a glass of wine, or a kitten on our lap. My business partner had the wine and she was probably lounging in the living room or some place normal like the kitchen. I was in my bed. Under the covers. With a cat settled on my lap.

Was I nervous? No… Was I preoccupied? Absolutely.

This interview was happening late at night. My hair was a mess from work and travel. I had tried to change into my pajamas after putting my little girl down to sleep but only managed half way. That’s right folks… I didn’t have my pants. And it’s all I could focus on.

Why am I not wearing pants? Will they notice? Does my voice sound different without pants on?

Once I convinced myself I sounded no different I moved on to the following thoughts:

1. Keep my cat quiet. I don’t want her meowing and then a listener hearing and not buying our book beacuse they don’t like cats.

2. Do I sound like a man?

3. I really wish I had pants. My legs are cold – even under the sheets.

4. Thank goodness I at least had time to put a top on.

5. Why did I pick a bean out of my hand in my dream last night? Did it have magical powers? Is that why it hurt like hell?

Going Penananas at the Office

Everyone knows how important pens are, especially the ones that we call our favorite. We take it everywhere with us and when it’s lost we mourn while searching. Well last week a pen had gone missing from someones hand and landed by the candy jar in my office. Once the owner was identified a few of us decided they needed a lesson on their forgetfulness.

There names have been changed for unnecessary safety precautions (mostly because it’s cool to rename people).

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 3:47 PM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: Pen Ransom

Hi,

This is your pen. I’m being held hostage. Please send money… your best offer.

Pen

Sincerely,
SAVE ME!

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 3:49 PM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: FW: Pen Ransom

Hi, this is your pen again. My hostages are giving you a hint…

I’m at Miceli’s Restaurant with Helen Waite. Please come find me and bring money. I can’t write without you.

From: LaFleur, Johanna
Sent: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 4:16 PM
To: Landia, Bored
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

I miss you dear Pen, sleep well in the company of strangers! A night away from me will do you good—I’m pretty sure these are good people at heart!
I would write a check for the ransom, but I don’t have my pen (or a check actually)!

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 6:47 AM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

Dear Owner,

My quarters were dark and chilling. Has anyone mentioned the office is like an iceberg around here? When with you I feel cozy and warm. You just left me to suffer a painful existence being used by those carelessly reaching for their latest candy craving.

I only wish you’ll come for me before it’s too late or quite possibly this is farewell.

Your lonely forgotten friend,
Pen

From: LaFleur, Johanna
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 7:42 AM
To: Landia, Bored
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

Never fear dear Pen, I’ve had a team doing reconnaissance work all night (they were the ones you might have seen wearing masks and black down jackets to fight off the bitter cold ). My plan is ready to launch, an exchange will be made, and you will be back home safe in my left hand today!
Stay positive!
Me

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 7:44 AM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

I fear it might be too late… I’ve become a righty now.

From: LaFleur, Johanna
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 7:47 AM
To: Landia, Bored
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

Oh no you didn’t!

End Result: The hostage was released and the owner brought her reward – Chocolate and Fruit Snacks. The pen and it’s owner are now walking down the hallway as they once were and she will never let go of her friend again… once she’s got her back to being a lefty that is.

Hair Salons, one of the safest places in America

When the ‘Safest Places in America’ comes out I’m always curious to know what they used to come up with these statistics. Half the time it’s also paired with lame city life which naturally equals no crime. I’m a firm believer that you can live anywhere and still be safe.

Ask yourself:

Are you running from something?

Do you have people who hate you AND own guns?

Did you kid beat someone in a competition at school?

All of these put you at risk for lack of safey and frankly there is no reason to blame the state because your kid is better at t-ball than someone’s over emotional kid.

Some solutions:

If you’re a thief STOP IT and they’ll stop coming after you.

Replace their guns with water guns that way a fight can turn into a fun frenzy.

And teach your kid the art of losing. It’s part of surviving school.

If you chose not to follow any of the above from some off-the-wall strange reason, I’ve come up with a new list.

5 safe places no matter where you’re at in the world, unless that place is nowhere.

1. Your home… with the door locked, and the alarm one.

2. Prison – Where the guards chill. Behind the desk, where they have glass protecting them from the criminals. Or solitary confinement.

3. Under bridges – though find your own, hobos can be nasty.

4. Hair Salons – No person gets between a girl and their hair.

5. Hospitals – If something happens they’ll patch you up. So a stabbing could happen but at least help is available, so that sort of counts.

Anything you’d like to add?

Restroom Dump – What really weighs on people besides their last meal

The twisted minds of those who enter a stall and decide their thoughts are worth being written on the inside of a bathroom wall.

1. Beverly P. – Loves Trains – ###-###-####

She’s an original alright.

2. Please don’t do coke in the bathroom.

Why not give an alternative location?

3. Pooh (h crossed off)

I could see this individual giggling up a storm and upsetting their stall neighbors.

4. I abuse laxatives. Want to quit. No rehab center is willing to help. Looking to start a group. Join forces at ###-###-####

Umm…. yikes

Bathroom Movie Edition

Poop Trek – A Man taking a journey in a far away land in search of the perfect porcelain god.

Silver linings poopbook – A diary for personal bowels.

The Farting Games – A secluded house holds twelve house guests for thirty days. The competition? Fart out the bad eggs and win the most expensive procelain gold toilet.

We’ve heard the voices of restrom dumpers and still reserve the right to judge. You’re all nuts.

 

Where are the condoms, donut machines, and sleep masks…

Are these supplies in your office… if not, shouldn’t they be? All these items should be found at your local Office Depot, they don’t, my friend checked.

  1. Condoms

Everyone has heard the stories. Lifetime practically makes a new movie every week behind an inner-office romance. Shouldn’t there be a box of condoms in every board room?

Hello, calling Office Depot, when are they going to be shipped?

  1. Donut Machine

We already have coffee but where are the other calories? Yes, people (whoever they are) want us to go healthy and more green but we still are provided our morning cup of coffee so shouldn’t a donut addition be the least they could do?!

  1. Sleep Masks

Twenty minute power naps are proven to improve employees, so why aren’t we allowed siesta’s at work? Heck, it should still be a part of the day PAST pre-k. So I vote in Sleep Masks so that our naps can be encouraged and appreciated.

  1. Milk and Cookies

Hey if get coffee in the morning where is our mid-afternoon snack? Don’t tell me it’s not necessary for higher productivity and learning because when kids get up from there naps they get snacks *stomps feet*

What should be in your office?

Even Cats need Prozac

20130902-131924.jpgCats are anxious, apparently.

Between naps, food, trips to the bathroom, 24 hour need of petting, AND plotting to kill you, their day is endless.

I have two cats and my calico is a clean freak. She loves mopped floors, wiped down counters, and works tirelessly to clean her pristine-always-sparkling paws.

So when she disgustingly shared her cleaning addiction to me earlier this week (yes, hairball cleanup) I knew we needed a plan of action because hairball formula wasn’t cutting it.

So we stopped by the vet. I love my cats. They may be assholes but they’re my assholes.

Their advice – give her a laxative.

Lucky:it’s a treat she likes.
Unlucky: Cleaning cat litter will NOT be a treat.

If it doesn’t work she’ll need Prozac to calm down the cleaning.

My cat – too clean?! An obsessive compulsive disorder in a cat… Who knew anxiety for the lazy was at such a heightened state.

Lesson: Even cats struggle and they have it easy.

Breast Milk – Not Just for Babies

20130826-070340.jpg

Years later and still having cravings for your moms breast? Yeah, me neither but apparently I’m the minority vs the majority.

As I was scanning the worldwide web I came across breast milk lollipops.

Clarification: I was looking for bacon breast milk…. Long story

Instead I found the lollipops and their reviews were weird, which only furthered my amusement on the wonderful world of breast milk.

Here’s what I learned by reading the woman’s report:

“So what does it really taste like?”

I had to find out….so I thought I’d ask some people on the street if it lives up to its name.

“Pina Colada, coconut flavor,” said one man.

His girlfriend answered, “Like a pineapple upside down cake”

Another man said, “Amaretto, kind of vanilla.”

“Yea, vanilla too. Yea, that’s good though,” added his friend.

I said, “The flavor that you’re actually tasting right now is breast milk flavor.”

“Holy Cow,” he replied. “It’s the best breast milk I’ve ever had…They nailed it.”

Another man on the street said, “Nurturing, I guess. Reminds me of my childhood.”

“It’s buttered popcorn,” said one woman.

“It’s breast milk flavor,” I told her.

She responded, “I feel like a creep because I like it.”

…for the full tasty article: Candy Company creates breast milk lollipop.

My thoughts:

They nailed? You really remember the taste? Especially since no two are alike?

Nurturing? Reminds you of childhood? At what age did you give up your addiction to breast milk?

Lesson: Need to learn to stop googling breast milk — unless I want a giggle.

Oh and if you’d like bacon breast milk (yes for your baby, from another woman’s boob) –> I’m still searching. ‘Bacon Baby Instant Baby Formula’ doesn’t count.