Five Reasons to Get Fit…

Need a motivation to get fit? Here are five random things that give us a reason to be fit… for whatever reason.

1. Michael Meyers

2. Zombies

3. To be able to eat more Cupcakes

4. To hear ‘I looked that good when I was 20’ <– when you’re in your thirties & forties!

5. To compete in the Amazing Race

What motivates you to get fit?

War Wound – The Boob Burn

War wound – the boob burn

Babies are magical beings. They have a way of screaming and getting whatever they want.

As adults mimicking their mannerisms leads us straight to a psych ward in a straight jacket.

As one of my newly acquired daily activities I was prepping new bottles by following directions. Boiling them in water before fixing one for Blair.

Exhaustion does not prepare you of warn you to be careful. You realize it’s hot water. You do not need to be told to NOT spill it on yourself – however being the tired and not overly cautious person I am – Crap happened.

Picture this:

I’m minding my own business. Waters boiled, bottles perfected and ready to be served room temp. All I have to do is retrieve them.

I look around for my protector. The end of a wooden spoon catches my eye – perfect! I can avoid burning the shit out my hands and get them dry with ease.

The wooden spoon handle makes contact with the inside of the bottle. I lift – not so carefully – thinking I have just the right angle to perfect my craft.

Then S-L-O-W-M-O-T-I-O-N hits as the bottle drops back into the water creating a massive tsunami that lands on the left side of my shirt. BAM it burns.

As a psycho I pull my shirt over my head and run to complain to that normal guy that it hurt like a bitch.

He laughs and says ‘Why would you do that to your boob?’

He also wises up and tells me to slap aloe Vera on it. And boy did I.

Today I have a war wound – three perfect circles on my First Class A cup. No, I will not so pictures – this is not a porn story.

Hair Salons, one of the safest places in America

When the ‘Safest Places in America’ comes out I’m always curious to know what they used to come up with these statistics. Half the time it’s also paired with lame city life which naturally equals no crime. I’m a firm believer that you can live anywhere and still be safe.

Ask yourself:

Are you running from something?

Do you have people who hate you AND own guns?

Did you kid beat someone in a competition at school?

All of these put you at risk for lack of safey and frankly there is no reason to blame the state because your kid is better at t-ball than someone’s over emotional kid.

Some solutions:

If you’re a thief STOP IT and they’ll stop coming after you.

Replace their guns with water guns that way a fight can turn into a fun frenzy.

And teach your kid the art of losing. It’s part of surviving school.

If you chose not to follow any of the above from some off-the-wall strange reason, I’ve come up with a new list.

5 safe places no matter where you’re at in the world, unless that place is nowhere.

1. Your home… with the door locked, and the alarm one.

2. Prison – Where the guards chill. Behind the desk, where they have glass protecting them from the criminals. Or solitary confinement.

3. Under bridges – though find your own, hobos can be nasty.

4. Hair Salons – No person gets between a girl and their hair.

5. Hospitals – If something happens they’ll patch you up. So a stabbing could happen but at least help is available, so that sort of counts.

Anything you’d like to add?

Restroom Dump – What really weighs on people besides their last meal

The twisted minds of those who enter a stall and decide their thoughts are worth being written on the inside of a bathroom wall.

1. Beverly P. – Loves Trains – ###-###-####

She’s an original alright.

2. Please don’t do coke in the bathroom.

Why not give an alternative location?

3. Pooh (h crossed off)

I could see this individual giggling up a storm and upsetting their stall neighbors.

4. I abuse laxatives. Want to quit. No rehab center is willing to help. Looking to start a group. Join forces at ###-###-####

Umm…. yikes

Bathroom Movie Edition

Poop Trek – A Man taking a journey in a far away land in search of the perfect porcelain god.

Silver linings poopbook – A diary for personal bowels.

The Farting Games – A secluded house holds twelve house guests for thirty days. The competition? Fart out the bad eggs and win the most expensive procelain gold toilet.

We’ve heard the voices of restrom dumpers and still reserve the right to judge. You’re all nuts.

 

Cinderskella

ImageCindy is just a normal 11¾-year-old girl. At least until she wakes up one night and finds out she’s dead. Well, she isn’t technically dead—she just doesn’t have any hair . . . or a nose . . . or skin. Yep—all bones, no body.  

Human by day and skeleton by night, Cindy is definitely cursed. And because her mother recently died, Cindy has no one to turn to except a father who is now scared of her and an evil stepmother who makes her do the housecleaning with a toothbrush. To make matters worse, the Spring Fling dance is approaching, and Ethan, the cutest boy in sixth grade, doesn’t seem to know Cindy exists. Of course, Cindy doesn’t think letting Ethan find out she’s part skeleton is the best way to introduce herself.

While facing such perils as pickled pig’s feet, a wacky fortune teller, and a few quick trips to the Underworld, Cindy’s determined to break the curse—even for a single night.

Cinderskella
is available for purchase at Barnes & Noble

Borst 14

Here’s the code:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Poptarts are sexy and that means Surburbia is sexy again…

Target has nailed it’s latest campaign to make household chores, get this, sexy.

The everday collection now makes me proud to wear my little black dress out shopping – after all, picking up steak, doing laundry, bake sales, and getting poptarts ready for school, that’s the new date night in Suburbia.

Thanks Target, you’ve outdone yourself.

Where are the condoms, donut machines, and sleep masks…

Are these supplies in your office… if not, shouldn’t they be? All these items should be found at your local Office Depot, they don’t, my friend checked.

  1. Condoms

Everyone has heard the stories. Lifetime practically makes a new movie every week behind an inner-office romance. Shouldn’t there be a box of condoms in every board room?

Hello, calling Office Depot, when are they going to be shipped?

  1. Donut Machine

We already have coffee but where are the other calories? Yes, people (whoever they are) want us to go healthy and more green but we still are provided our morning cup of coffee so shouldn’t a donut addition be the least they could do?!

  1. Sleep Masks

Twenty minute power naps are proven to improve employees, so why aren’t we allowed siesta’s at work? Heck, it should still be a part of the day PAST pre-k. So I vote in Sleep Masks so that our naps can be encouraged and appreciated.

  1. Milk and Cookies

Hey if get coffee in the morning where is our mid-afternoon snack? Don’t tell me it’s not necessary for higher productivity and learning because when kids get up from there naps they get snacks *stomps feet*

What should be in your office?