War Wound – The Boob Burn

War wound – the boob burn

Babies are magical beings. They have a way of screaming and getting whatever they want.

As adults mimicking their mannerisms leads us straight to a psych ward in a straight jacket.

As one of my newly acquired daily activities I was prepping new bottles by following directions. Boiling them in water before fixing one for Blair.

Exhaustion does not prepare you of warn you to be careful. You realize it’s hot water. You do not need to be told to NOT spill it on yourself – however being the tired and not overly cautious person I am – Crap happened.

Picture this:

I’m minding my own business. Waters boiled, bottles perfected and ready to be served room temp. All I have to do is retrieve them.

I look around for my protector. The end of a wooden spoon catches my eye – perfect! I can avoid burning the shit out my hands and get them dry with ease.

The wooden spoon handle makes contact with the inside of the bottle. I lift – not so carefully – thinking I have just the right angle to perfect my craft.

Then S-L-O-W-M-O-T-I-O-N hits as the bottle drops back into the water creating a massive tsunami that lands on the left side of my shirt. BAM it burns.

As a psycho I pull my shirt over my head and run to complain to that normal guy that it hurt like a bitch.

He laughs and says ‘Why would you do that to your boob?’

He also wises up and tells me to slap aloe Vera on it. And boy did I.

Today I have a war wound – three perfect circles on my First Class A cup. No, I will not so pictures – this is not a porn story.

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I’m having a baby… with another woman

Yes I’m all female. No that normal guy doesn’t sleep around (unless I’m mad then obviously the couch would make it in this scenario… and he does sleep with woman – but that’s because my cats are traitors).

That normal guy and I are officially matched with a birthmother, which means we are essentially pregnant.

Awesome things about being pregnant and not carrying the child….

  1. DRINKING! That’s right – she’s stuck sipping on water and I get my margaritas – extra tequila please
  2. No extra weight gain – Sympathy weight won’t be an issue for that normal guy and I because we don’t live in the same house let alone the same city.
  3. We get an extra friend – that’s right, this is an open adoption which means we have the opportunity to gain an extra family member and our child will have the blessing of two very special mommies who love them!
  4. Full night’s sleep – Some would consider this a hindrance but we’ll take our chances with enjoying eight hour a night sleeps until the little lady bug comes into our world and the clock strikes HUNGRY, POOPY, ANGRY every two hours.
  5. Sip and See’s! Yes, instead of the traditional baby showers beforehand you get to have everyone come and see your bundle of joy for some cocktails and cuddle time!

 

Things that aren’t so awesome about being pregnant and not carrying the child…

  1. You aren’t pregnancy cute and there is no ‘glow’.
  2. You can’t eat for two without being judged.
  3. There isn’t a guarantee that the baby will be yours at the end.
  4. Scraping up the cash for all the costs is overwhelming.
  5. You don’t get six weeks with your baby unless you’re rich enough to take time off (remembering the adoption broke you, you know that’s impossible).

Breast Milk – Not Just for Babies

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Years later and still having cravings for your moms breast? Yeah, me neither but apparently I’m the minority vs the majority.

As I was scanning the worldwide web I came across breast milk lollipops.

Clarification: I was looking for bacon breast milk…. Long story

Instead I found the lollipops and their reviews were weird, which only furthered my amusement on the wonderful world of breast milk.

Here’s what I learned by reading the woman’s report:

“So what does it really taste like?”

I had to find out….so I thought I’d ask some people on the street if it lives up to its name.

“Pina Colada, coconut flavor,” said one man.

His girlfriend answered, “Like a pineapple upside down cake”

Another man said, “Amaretto, kind of vanilla.”

“Yea, vanilla too. Yea, that’s good though,” added his friend.

I said, “The flavor that you’re actually tasting right now is breast milk flavor.”

“Holy Cow,” he replied. “It’s the best breast milk I’ve ever had…They nailed it.”

Another man on the street said, “Nurturing, I guess. Reminds me of my childhood.”

“It’s buttered popcorn,” said one woman.

“It’s breast milk flavor,” I told her.

She responded, “I feel like a creep because I like it.”

…for the full tasty article: Candy Company creates breast milk lollipop.

My thoughts:

They nailed? You really remember the taste? Especially since no two are alike?

Nurturing? Reminds you of childhood? At what age did you give up your addiction to breast milk?

Lesson: Need to learn to stop googling breast milk — unless I want a giggle.

Oh and if you’d like bacon breast milk (yes for your baby, from another woman’s boob) –> I’m still searching. ‘Bacon Baby Instant Baby Formula’ doesn’t count.