Dating for Life – After you smash the cake in their face

No this is not Ashley Madison. Dating shouldn’t end after vows are shared, you should simply change your tactics. There are still ways to woo your spouse.

Craplandia Disclaimer: This is not for all marriages. Some of you are amazing spouses and never fuck up. I may live in Jensylvania but marriage is still no cake walk – except when you get to take a trip to the cupcake shop (but that’s not the point). You can use some, none, or all of these in your relationship!

This happens AFTER you smash the cake in eachother’s face.

Wedding Cake

Listen up Men… these are for you:

1. Use your tools(s) – If you say you’re going to put up shelving in the closet – do it. Then you’ll get to use the tool you really want to use that night.

2. You eat too – If you’re not going to cook then at least help clean and put the dishes away.

3. Let there be Twilight – whatever weird or extra girly romantic thing she’s into, let her have it. It’s what keeps you fed, laid, and happy.

4. Let them ogle – Some girls can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

Listen up Ladies… these are for you:

1. Keep it Hot – If you cook: excellent, men like food. If you cook sometimes: Super, keep it to their favorite meals. If you don’t – Keep the food warm from the delivery service. It all counts, it’s food in their bellies.

2. Fill up the gas tank – The man doesn’t always have to be the one to do the ‘outdoor’ chores. Save him the trouble of being your gas station attendant and leave the role playing for the bedroom.

3. Shut your mouth side seat driver – Sometimes the man really does know where he’s going. He doesn’t need to take YOUR way, he’s in control so let him be. 95% of the time he spends in your domain (the house) let him control the only %5 he’s got.

4. Let them ogle – Some guys can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

Advertisements

Men and Women – We’re both kind of slutty

And people say girls walk around with little to no clothes on. Restrooms welcome naked men. We’re all a little slutty.

20130816-064101.jpg

Weirdest Pick up lines – When Subway’s no longer healthy

1. If you like water, you already like 72% of me, so we should mate.

2. If you were a ladder I’d climb all over you.

3. Baby did you fart, cause I’m blown away.

4. I usually don’t follow someone on the first night, but for you I’ll make an exception.

5. Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.

6. That’s a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

7. I love my bed but I’d rather be in yours.

I do hope that if you’re out at a club and someone approaches you with a crazy pick up line you count to five and think – is it more cute or creepy? Some of these might have worked on me… but the others screamed potential future STALKER!

20130811-161454.jpg

Marriage Material: Where Dad Goes Wrong

Dad’s have no idea what they’re doing when they become picky about their daughters choices in men.

20130809-073456.jpg
The top 6 chosen men (in my mind) that dads believe are right for their daughter. You be the judge…

1. A Drug Dealer (Doctor)
2. A Babysitter to Criminals (Lawyer)
3. Sleeps Around (Military)
4. Drama Queen (Politician)
5. A Supportive Bank Account (Sugar Daddy)
6. Likes to Play with Wood (Architect/Contractor)

I think I’ve proven ‘Father DOESN’T know best’.

Lesson: Marry an accountant. They’re good with money and don’t do drama.