Why am I not wearing any pants?

Thoughts during an important phone call conversation SHOULD be what you’ll say next. Yes, this is mostly the case for me… however there are a few extra bits that take over my brain and I focus on them. Thank God as women we can multi-task… and men think they do (only kidding, but not really).

Recent events left me feeling insecure about my clothing choices.

the radio interview was supposed to begin promptly. It did not. No one is taking blame here (because I don’t like taking blame)… it just happened.

When we were finally connected my business partner and I were ready to take on the world! From our homes. With a glass of wine, or a kitten on our lap. My business partner had the wine and she was probably lounging in the living room or some place normal like the kitchen. I was in my bed. Under the covers. With a cat settled on my lap.

Was I nervous? No… Was I preoccupied? Absolutely.

This interview was happening late at night. My hair was a mess from work and travel. I had tried to change into my pajamas after putting my little girl down to sleep but only managed half way. That’s right folks… I didn’t have my pants. And it’s all I could focus on.

Why am I not wearing pants? Will they notice? Does my voice sound different without pants on?

Once I convinced myself I sounded no different I moved on to the following thoughts:

1. Keep my cat quiet. I don’t want her meowing and then a listener hearing and not buying our book beacuse they don’t like cats.

2. Do I sound like a man?

3. I really wish I had pants. My legs are cold – even under the sheets.

4. Thank goodness I at least had time to put a top on.

5. Why did I pick a bean out of my hand in my dream last night? Did it have magical powers? Is that why it hurt like hell?

Holiday Stripper Names

Holiday facts:

1. Hot cocoa isn’t delicious without peppermint schnapps.
2. Coffee isn’t the same without a little Bailey’s.
3. Egg Nog isn’t Egg Nog without, well, any kind of liquor.
4. And family time isn’t complete without one or ALL of the above.

Your only hope of surviving the holidays is to over-pour a few too many times to that one unsuspecting family member. You know the one; can’t keep quiet, always lets the cat out of the bag, told your family that your brother was gay in front of his fiance last year. Yup… that one. Time to get her back… and then give them a nickname for life.

Top five stripper names (I made up):
1. Triple-Ho
2. Mistle-Ho
3. Holly Get Lucky
4. Decca-ur-halls
5. Santa’s Sleigh Ride

Feel free to find the right one for your family. We are all creative when the alcohol is flowing and the craziness is going.

Happy Holidays People. Happy Freakin’ Holidays.

Thanksgiving Crisis: Missing Breadtopia

This morning I had to give that normal guy some pretty bad news.

ME: I forgot to pick up rolls? How could I? That’s a staple for Thanksgiving!

TNG: Yeah, that’s a pretty big mess up. How can I stand being married to someone who forgets ROLLS!!

ME: I know. I’m ashamed. Our marriage is clearly a sham.

TNG: Clearly, built on lies and deceit.

ME: Despite my ability to be a good wife you are an excellent husband. The bread defeats me once again.

TNG: I am willing to look past the horrible event and move on… I… Forgive… You.

ME: I don’t deserve your forgiveness but will gladly take it *grabs it before he changes his mind*

End Result: This colossal mistake will be handled and Breadtopia will resume at our house. I apologize for anyone I frightened with this mess up. Hopefully you don’t make the same mistake. You have a few days to get out there and buy ALL THE RIGHT THANKSGIVING STAPLES.

Going Penananas at the Office

Everyone knows how important pens are, especially the ones that we call our favorite. We take it everywhere with us and when it’s lost we mourn while searching. Well last week a pen had gone missing from someones hand and landed by the candy jar in my office. Once the owner was identified a few of us decided they needed a lesson on their forgetfulness.

There names have been changed for unnecessary safety precautions (mostly because it’s cool to rename people).

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 3:47 PM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: Pen Ransom

Hi,

This is your pen. I’m being held hostage. Please send money… your best offer.

Pen

Sincerely,
SAVE ME!

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 3:49 PM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: FW: Pen Ransom

Hi, this is your pen again. My hostages are giving you a hint…

I’m at Miceli’s Restaurant with Helen Waite. Please come find me and bring money. I can’t write without you.

From: LaFleur, Johanna
Sent: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 4:16 PM
To: Landia, Bored
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

I miss you dear Pen, sleep well in the company of strangers! A night away from me will do you good—I’m pretty sure these are good people at heart!
I would write a check for the ransom, but I don’t have my pen (or a check actually)!

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 6:47 AM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

Dear Owner,

My quarters were dark and chilling. Has anyone mentioned the office is like an iceberg around here? When with you I feel cozy and warm. You just left me to suffer a painful existence being used by those carelessly reaching for their latest candy craving.

I only wish you’ll come for me before it’s too late or quite possibly this is farewell.

Your lonely forgotten friend,
Pen

From: LaFleur, Johanna
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 7:42 AM
To: Landia, Bored
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

Never fear dear Pen, I’ve had a team doing reconnaissance work all night (they were the ones you might have seen wearing masks and black down jackets to fight off the bitter cold ). My plan is ready to launch, an exchange will be made, and you will be back home safe in my left hand today!
Stay positive!
Me

From: Landia, Bored
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 7:44 AM
To: LaFleur, Johanna
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

I fear it might be too late… I’ve become a righty now.

From: LaFleur, Johanna
Sent: Thursday, November 14, 2013 7:47 AM
To: Landia, Bored
Cc: Yell, Liz; Lewis, Mara; Brownsville, Patti
Subject: RE: Pen Ransom

Oh no you didn’t!

End Result: The hostage was released and the owner brought her reward – Chocolate and Fruit Snacks. The pen and it’s owner are now walking down the hallway as they once were and she will never let go of her friend again… once she’s got her back to being a lefty that is.

Five Reasons to Get Fit…

Need a motivation to get fit? Here are five random things that give us a reason to be fit… for whatever reason.

1. Michael Meyers

2. Zombies

3. To be able to eat more Cupcakes

4. To hear ‘I looked that good when I was 20’ <– when you’re in your thirties & forties!

5. To compete in the Amazing Race

What motivates you to get fit?

War Wound – The Boob Burn

War wound – the boob burn

Babies are magical beings. They have a way of screaming and getting whatever they want.

As adults mimicking their mannerisms leads us straight to a psych ward in a straight jacket.

As one of my newly acquired daily activities I was prepping new bottles by following directions. Boiling them in water before fixing one for Blair.

Exhaustion does not prepare you of warn you to be careful. You realize it’s hot water. You do not need to be told to NOT spill it on yourself – however being the tired and not overly cautious person I am – Crap happened.

Picture this:

I’m minding my own business. Waters boiled, bottles perfected and ready to be served room temp. All I have to do is retrieve them.

I look around for my protector. The end of a wooden spoon catches my eye – perfect! I can avoid burning the shit out my hands and get them dry with ease.

The wooden spoon handle makes contact with the inside of the bottle. I lift – not so carefully – thinking I have just the right angle to perfect my craft.

Then S-L-O-W-M-O-T-I-O-N hits as the bottle drops back into the water creating a massive tsunami that lands on the left side of my shirt. BAM it burns.

As a psycho I pull my shirt over my head and run to complain to that normal guy that it hurt like a bitch.

He laughs and says ‘Why would you do that to your boob?’

He also wises up and tells me to slap aloe Vera on it. And boy did I.

Today I have a war wound – three perfect circles on my First Class A cup. No, I will not so pictures – this is not a porn story.

Hair Salons, one of the safest places in America

When the ‘Safest Places in America’ comes out I’m always curious to know what they used to come up with these statistics. Half the time it’s also paired with lame city life which naturally equals no crime. I’m a firm believer that you can live anywhere and still be safe.

Ask yourself:

Are you running from something?

Do you have people who hate you AND own guns?

Did you kid beat someone in a competition at school?

All of these put you at risk for lack of safey and frankly there is no reason to blame the state because your kid is better at t-ball than someone’s over emotional kid.

Some solutions:

If you’re a thief STOP IT and they’ll stop coming after you.

Replace their guns with water guns that way a fight can turn into a fun frenzy.

And teach your kid the art of losing. It’s part of surviving school.

If you chose not to follow any of the above from some off-the-wall strange reason, I’ve come up with a new list.

5 safe places no matter where you’re at in the world, unless that place is nowhere.

1. Your home… with the door locked, and the alarm one.

2. Prison – Where the guards chill. Behind the desk, where they have glass protecting them from the criminals. Or solitary confinement.

3. Under bridges – though find your own, hobos can be nasty.

4. Hair Salons – No person gets between a girl and their hair.

5. Hospitals – If something happens they’ll patch you up. So a stabbing could happen but at least help is available, so that sort of counts.

Anything you’d like to add?