Sex up the Fall – Couch Potato Style

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Fall is coming – Which means new television shows, more blockbuster movies, and endless amounts of food and holiday cheer (if you’re into that sort of thing… I’m not *stands in corner protecting Christmas Tree put up in July*)

Those New Year’s Resolutions you’ve been clinging onto (hardly) in hopes to have nailed your swim suit ready look are out the window come October (yes, people prep their stomachs to be able to handle the overload come Thanksgiving).

So I say, stuff your face with good intentions. Good food, good people, good televsion is on its way – embrace the change (yes, I’m referring to your pant size).

Here is a quick workout from the best person on the planet – a couch potato.

1. Remote Access – Leave the remote on the coffee table. Each time a commercial comes up you can lean forward, fast forward, and lean back. That’s like a ten second ab workout! Go you, you crazy wild tiger!

2. Spoon Yourself – Eating dinner on the couch? Sit at the edge of the couch, sitting straight up. Bring the silverware to you. Whoa – what happened – that’s right, we’re promoting great posture and strengthened those arms of yours!

3. Leg up – Do you stretch out on the couch? During a show make a point to lift your legs up above it’s resting place and count to five. Do this during the entire show and you’ve worked your leg muscles! You wo’t even need to wear heels to tighten those calves anymore… MEOW!

4. Head Rush – Lay upside down on your couch while watching a show. This provides an alternate angle for your viewing pleasure AND stretches out your back!

5. Dance Dumb – Your fav television show is about to start? Listen to the intro music and do a quick ten second dance. Jab your arms, kick your feet, and wiggle all about! If your man OR woman is around – a free lap dance doesn’t hurt – just make sure you’ve recorded the new fall preview. You don’t want to be the only one NOT talking about it the next day!

Craplandia Disclaimer: This is not terrible advice but if you’re looking for weight loss I’d suggest you find someone who actually has experience with the art of motivation and weight loss.

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Dating for Life – After you smash the cake in their face

No this is not Ashley Madison. Dating shouldn’t end after vows are shared, you should simply change your tactics. There are still ways to woo your spouse.

Craplandia Disclaimer: This is not for all marriages. Some of you are amazing spouses and never fuck up. I may live in Jensylvania but marriage is still no cake walk – except when you get to take a trip to the cupcake shop (but that’s not the point). You can use some, none, or all of these in your relationship!

This happens AFTER you smash the cake in eachother’s face.

Wedding Cake

Listen up Men… these are for you:

1. Use your tools(s) – If you say you’re going to put up shelving in the closet – do it. Then you’ll get to use the tool you really want to use that night.

2. You eat too – If you’re not going to cook then at least help clean and put the dishes away.

3. Let there be Twilight – whatever weird or extra girly romantic thing she’s into, let her have it. It’s what keeps you fed, laid, and happy.

4. Let them ogle – Some girls can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

Listen up Ladies… these are for you:

1. Keep it Hot – If you cook: excellent, men like food. If you cook sometimes: Super, keep it to their favorite meals. If you don’t – Keep the food warm from the delivery service. It all counts, it’s food in their bellies.

2. Fill up the gas tank – The man doesn’t always have to be the one to do the ‘outdoor’ chores. Save him the trouble of being your gas station attendant and leave the role playing for the bedroom.

3. Shut your mouth side seat driver – Sometimes the man really does know where he’s going. He doesn’t need to take YOUR way, he’s in control so let him be. 95% of the time he spends in your domain (the house) let him control the only %5 he’s got.

4. Let them ogle – Some guys can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

I’m a 64 cent stripper

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I’m quietly and respectively sitting in a McDonald’s drive-thru waiting for a small ice cream cone, minding my own business, when that normal guy sticks a dollar in my shirt.

Me: I’m now a fast food whore.

That Normal Guy (paying no mind to me): I put a dollar in your string.

Me: I’m officially the cheapest stripper.

That Normal Guy *still feeling awesome* (in a weird voice): I put it in your string but not your g-string.

Yup, I’m still a cheap date.

Lesson: Be a fast food whore if it gets you a 64 cent vanilla cone.

Marriage Material: Where Dad Goes Wrong

Dad’s have no idea what they’re doing when they become picky about their daughters choices in men.

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The top 6 chosen men (in my mind) that dads believe are right for their daughter. You be the judge…

1. A Drug Dealer (Doctor)
2. A Babysitter to Criminals (Lawyer)
3. Sleeps Around (Military)
4. Drama Queen (Politician)
5. A Supportive Bank Account (Sugar Daddy)
6. Likes to Play with Wood (Architect/Contractor)

I think I’ve proven ‘Father DOESN’T know best’.

Lesson: Marry an accountant. They’re good with money and don’t do drama.

Grocery Store Gossip: Feeling up the Products

That normal guy and I spend our morning on the weekend going to a local eatery for some good old fashioned pancakes and then head to the grocery store.

I’m that normal housewife who thinks she’s going to cook throughout the week so she gets a huge list together hopeful that this will be the week she’s successful.

I’m getting better.

At buying fewer items, not cooking.

But this isn’t about beating myself up for not being a great cook… or one at all. This is the conversation I had last week when buying candy for work.

That normal guy: “Why are you buying so much?”

Me: “These people expect greatness from me. I must deliver.”

My quest for candy begins by scanning the shelves (no two stores are alike) to find the elite… Fruity flavors and Willy Wonka, of course.

I spot Starburst Reds. YES! *shakes fist in victory* return to grab another. My hand feels nothing but empty shelving.

Me: “Why on earth are they out of the best candy on earth?”

That normal guy: *left me for the chip aisle*

Dumb salty food peeps.

I continue searching and select jolly rancher crunch and chews (a must), berry starbursts, and all-time favorite of mine, Airheads.

I feel the Airhead bag to determine the softness of the chew worthy goodness. What? This is a thing people. I have yet to confirm if the candy is worth buying as I leave the aisle with my hands full and cross the sweets threshold into saltlandia where I drop the candy in the cart and shove the airhead bag at that normal guy.

That normal guy: “I won’t eat those babe.”

Me: “I know and neither will anyone else if you don’t feel the bag.”

That normal guy: *stares at me questioning why he married me* <– (this happens a lot).

Me: “Is it fresh?”

That normal guy: “I don’t know, I didn’t make them.”

He hands the bag to me. I admit defeat and drop in the cart.

Me – 0 

That Normal Guy – 1

Lesson: Marriage isn’t about feeling up candy.

That’s okay I still win in quirky points and that’s all that really counts.IMG_4331

Do Girls Poop: The misconception that women don’t relieve gas

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1. ‘Men are the only ones who can let it loose. Woman just don’t do that.’ Me is too cute to toot.
2. ‘She never goes at my house’ <— She flew the coop to go and poop.
3. 'Letting one loose in front of her' If you fart, expect her to start.
4. 'Not staying for dessert' She's smart enough to call it a wrap so she can go home and crap.

Life Lesson: Unfortunately pooping is for everyone.

Guidebooks:
Everybody Poops
Girls Don't Poop

Craptastically yours, Jennsylvania

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