Holiday Stripper Names

Holiday facts:

1. Hot cocoa isn’t delicious without peppermint schnapps.
2. Coffee isn’t the same without a little Bailey’s.
3. Egg Nog isn’t Egg Nog without, well, any kind of liquor.
4. And family time isn’t complete without one or ALL of the above.

Your only hope of surviving the holidays is to over-pour a few too many times to that one unsuspecting family member. You know the one; can’t keep quiet, always lets the cat out of the bag, told your family that your brother was gay in front of his fiance last year. Yup… that one. Time to get her back… and then give them a nickname for life.

Top five stripper names (I made up):
1. Triple-Ho
2. Mistle-Ho
3. Holly Get Lucky
4. Decca-ur-halls
5. Santa’s Sleigh Ride

Feel free to find the right one for your family. We are all creative when the alcohol is flowing and the craziness is going.

Happy Holidays People. Happy Freakin’ Holidays.

Thanksgiving Crisis: Missing Breadtopia

This morning I had to give that normal guy some pretty bad news.

ME: I forgot to pick up rolls? How could I? That’s a staple for Thanksgiving!

TNG: Yeah, that’s a pretty big mess up. How can I stand being married to someone who forgets ROLLS!!

ME: I know. I’m ashamed. Our marriage is clearly a sham.

TNG: Clearly, built on lies and deceit.

ME: Despite my ability to be a good wife you are an excellent husband. The bread defeats me once again.

TNG: I am willing to look past the horrible event and move on… I… Forgive… You.

ME: I don’t deserve your forgiveness but will gladly take it *grabs it before he changes his mind*

End Result: This colossal mistake will be handled and Breadtopia will resume at our house. I apologize for anyone I frightened with this mess up. Hopefully you don’t make the same mistake. You have a few days to get out there and buy ALL THE RIGHT THANKSGIVING STAPLES.

Sex up the Fall – Couch Potato Style

20130822-065140.jpg

Fall is coming – Which means new television shows, more blockbuster movies, and endless amounts of food and holiday cheer (if you’re into that sort of thing… I’m not *stands in corner protecting Christmas Tree put up in July*)

Those New Year’s Resolutions you’ve been clinging onto (hardly) in hopes to have nailed your swim suit ready look are out the window come October (yes, people prep their stomachs to be able to handle the overload come Thanksgiving).

So I say, stuff your face with good intentions. Good food, good people, good televsion is on its way – embrace the change (yes, I’m referring to your pant size).

Here is a quick workout from the best person on the planet – a couch potato.

1. Remote Access – Leave the remote on the coffee table. Each time a commercial comes up you can lean forward, fast forward, and lean back. That’s like a ten second ab workout! Go you, you crazy wild tiger!

2. Spoon Yourself – Eating dinner on the couch? Sit at the edge of the couch, sitting straight up. Bring the silverware to you. Whoa – what happened – that’s right, we’re promoting great posture and strengthened those arms of yours!

3. Leg up – Do you stretch out on the couch? During a show make a point to lift your legs up above it’s resting place and count to five. Do this during the entire show and you’ve worked your leg muscles! You wo’t even need to wear heels to tighten those calves anymore… MEOW!

4. Head Rush – Lay upside down on your couch while watching a show. This provides an alternate angle for your viewing pleasure AND stretches out your back!

5. Dance Dumb – Your fav television show is about to start? Listen to the intro music and do a quick ten second dance. Jab your arms, kick your feet, and wiggle all about! If your man OR woman is around – a free lap dance doesn’t hurt – just make sure you’ve recorded the new fall preview. You don’t want to be the only one NOT talking about it the next day!

Craplandia Disclaimer: This is not terrible advice but if you’re looking for weight loss I’d suggest you find someone who actually has experience with the art of motivation and weight loss.

But you’re skinny – A growing epidemic

From the overweight:

I can’t lose the weight

I stress eat

I’m not good enough

From the skinny:

I can’t get fat

I stress eat

I’m not good enough

Society thinks the same. No one wants to be overweight and unhealthy. We want to be OUR perfect weight, where no one talks about us. How skinny we are and how they jealous they’ve become, or how much we’ve grown – and not in the good way.

We try to make goals for ourselves. Let’s face it – most of society has a food addiction making those goals even harder to handle.

You get out of bed and immediately crave a donut. You stop yourself from picturing your grubby hands on the deliciousness. Battle 1 – Won. You start to drive to work and pass your favorite donut shop. Battle 2 – Won. You wish you felt victory. Instead you feel guilt for not getting what you wanted AND realize you have twelve more battles to win as there are twelve fast food restaurants between you and ultimate victory.

How can we find something that tastes just like the donut but doesn’t have all the calories?

Where is the happy medium between good and bad?

How can the sadness of not liking who we are keep us from working out?

Today I will focus on the small victories and give myself a few tastks.

I did not pick up a donut – Small Hooray

I will do yoga to practice my breathing and rid me of guilt for not picking up that tasty treat.

I will eat a healthy homemade dinner.

I will jump on the trampline for at least ten minutes.

This is all I can promise myself and today that will have to be enough.

What promises have you made lately? What victories do you have under your belt this week?

20130821-065753.jpg

Dating for Life – After you smash the cake in their face

No this is not Ashley Madison. Dating shouldn’t end after vows are shared, you should simply change your tactics. There are still ways to woo your spouse.

Craplandia Disclaimer: This is not for all marriages. Some of you are amazing spouses and never fuck up. I may live in Jensylvania but marriage is still no cake walk – except when you get to take a trip to the cupcake shop (but that’s not the point). You can use some, none, or all of these in your relationship!

This happens AFTER you smash the cake in eachother’s face.

Wedding Cake

Listen up Men… these are for you:

1. Use your tools(s) – If you say you’re going to put up shelving in the closet – do it. Then you’ll get to use the tool you really want to use that night.

2. You eat too – If you’re not going to cook then at least help clean and put the dishes away.

3. Let there be Twilight – whatever weird or extra girly romantic thing she’s into, let her have it. It’s what keeps you fed, laid, and happy.

4. Let them ogle – Some girls can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

Listen up Ladies… these are for you:

1. Keep it Hot – If you cook: excellent, men like food. If you cook sometimes: Super, keep it to their favorite meals. If you don’t – Keep the food warm from the delivery service. It all counts, it’s food in their bellies.

2. Fill up the gas tank – The man doesn’t always have to be the one to do the ‘outdoor’ chores. Save him the trouble of being your gas station attendant and leave the role playing for the bedroom.

3. Shut your mouth side seat driver – Sometimes the man really does know where he’s going. He doesn’t need to take YOUR way, he’s in control so let him be. 95% of the time he spends in your domain (the house) let him control the only %5 he’s got.

4. Let them ogle – Some guys can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

Men and Women – We’re both kind of slutty

And people say girls walk around with little to no clothes on. Restrooms welcome naked men. We’re all a little slutty.

20130816-064101.jpg

I’m a 64 cent stripper

20130814-082841.jpg
I’m quietly and respectively sitting in a McDonald’s drive-thru waiting for a small ice cream cone, minding my own business, when that normal guy sticks a dollar in my shirt.

Me: I’m now a fast food whore.

That Normal Guy (paying no mind to me): I put a dollar in your string.

Me: I’m officially the cheapest stripper.

That Normal Guy *still feeling awesome* (in a weird voice): I put it in your string but not your g-string.

Yup, I’m still a cheap date.

Lesson: Be a fast food whore if it gets you a 64 cent vanilla cone.