Thanksgiving Crisis: Missing Breadtopia

This morning I had to give that normal guy some pretty bad news.

ME: I forgot to pick up rolls? How could I? That’s a staple for Thanksgiving!

TNG: Yeah, that’s a pretty big mess up. How can I stand being married to someone who forgets ROLLS!!

ME: I know. I’m ashamed. Our marriage is clearly a sham.

TNG: Clearly, built on lies and deceit.

ME: Despite my ability to be a good wife you are an excellent husband. The bread defeats me once again.

TNG: I am willing to look past the horrible event and move on… I… Forgive… You.

ME: I don’t deserve your forgiveness but will gladly take it *grabs it before he changes his mind*

End Result: This colossal mistake will be handled and Breadtopia will resume at our house. I apologize for anyone I frightened with this mess up. Hopefully you don’t make the same mistake. You have a few days to get out there and buy ALL THE RIGHT THANKSGIVING STAPLES.

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Dating for Life – After you smash the cake in their face

No this is not Ashley Madison. Dating shouldn’t end after vows are shared, you should simply change your tactics. There are still ways to woo your spouse.

Craplandia Disclaimer: This is not for all marriages. Some of you are amazing spouses and never fuck up. I may live in Jensylvania but marriage is still no cake walk – except when you get to take a trip to the cupcake shop (but that’s not the point). You can use some, none, or all of these in your relationship!

This happens AFTER you smash the cake in eachother’s face.

Wedding Cake

Listen up Men… these are for you:

1. Use your tools(s) – If you say you’re going to put up shelving in the closet – do it. Then you’ll get to use the tool you really want to use that night.

2. You eat too – If you’re not going to cook then at least help clean and put the dishes away.

3. Let there be Twilight – whatever weird or extra girly romantic thing she’s into, let her have it. It’s what keeps you fed, laid, and happy.

4. Let them ogle – Some girls can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

Listen up Ladies… these are for you:

1. Keep it Hot – If you cook: excellent, men like food. If you cook sometimes: Super, keep it to their favorite meals. If you don’t – Keep the food warm from the delivery service. It all counts, it’s food in their bellies.

2. Fill up the gas tank – The man doesn’t always have to be the one to do the ‘outdoor’ chores. Save him the trouble of being your gas station attendant and leave the role playing for the bedroom.

3. Shut your mouth side seat driver – Sometimes the man really does know where he’s going. He doesn’t need to take YOUR way, he’s in control so let him be. 95% of the time he spends in your domain (the house) let him control the only %5 he’s got.

4. Let them ogle – Some guys can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

I’m a 64 cent stripper

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I’m quietly and respectively sitting in a McDonald’s drive-thru waiting for a small ice cream cone, minding my own business, when that normal guy sticks a dollar in my shirt.

Me: I’m now a fast food whore.

That Normal Guy (paying no mind to me): I put a dollar in your string.

Me: I’m officially the cheapest stripper.

That Normal Guy *still feeling awesome* (in a weird voice): I put it in your string but not your g-string.

Yup, I’m still a cheap date.

Lesson: Be a fast food whore if it gets you a 64 cent vanilla cone.

Marriage Material: Where Dad Goes Wrong

Dad’s have no idea what they’re doing when they become picky about their daughters choices in men.

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The top 6 chosen men (in my mind) that dads believe are right for their daughter. You be the judge…

1. A Drug Dealer (Doctor)
2. A Babysitter to Criminals (Lawyer)
3. Sleeps Around (Military)
4. Drama Queen (Politician)
5. A Supportive Bank Account (Sugar Daddy)
6. Likes to Play with Wood (Architect/Contractor)

I think I’ve proven ‘Father DOESN’T know best’.

Lesson: Marry an accountant. They’re good with money and don’t do drama.

Grocery Store Gossip: Feeling up the Products

That normal guy and I spend our morning on the weekend going to a local eatery for some good old fashioned pancakes and then head to the grocery store.

I’m that normal housewife who thinks she’s going to cook throughout the week so she gets a huge list together hopeful that this will be the week she’s successful.

I’m getting better.

At buying fewer items, not cooking.

But this isn’t about beating myself up for not being a great cook… or one at all. This is the conversation I had last week when buying candy for work.

That normal guy: “Why are you buying so much?”

Me: “These people expect greatness from me. I must deliver.”

My quest for candy begins by scanning the shelves (no two stores are alike) to find the elite… Fruity flavors and Willy Wonka, of course.

I spot Starburst Reds. YES! *shakes fist in victory* return to grab another. My hand feels nothing but empty shelving.

Me: “Why on earth are they out of the best candy on earth?”

That normal guy: *left me for the chip aisle*

Dumb salty food peeps.

I continue searching and select jolly rancher crunch and chews (a must), berry starbursts, and all-time favorite of mine, Airheads.

I feel the Airhead bag to determine the softness of the chew worthy goodness. What? This is a thing people. I have yet to confirm if the candy is worth buying as I leave the aisle with my hands full and cross the sweets threshold into saltlandia where I drop the candy in the cart and shove the airhead bag at that normal guy.

That normal guy: “I won’t eat those babe.”

Me: “I know and neither will anyone else if you don’t feel the bag.”

That normal guy: *stares at me questioning why he married me* <– (this happens a lot).

Me: “Is it fresh?”

That normal guy: “I don’t know, I didn’t make them.”

He hands the bag to me. I admit defeat and drop in the cart.

Me – 0 

That Normal Guy – 1

Lesson: Marriage isn’t about feeling up candy.

That’s okay I still win in quirky points and that’s all that really counts.IMG_4331