Dating for Life – After you smash the cake in their face

No this is not Ashley Madison. Dating shouldn’t end after vows are shared, you should simply change your tactics. There are still ways to woo your spouse.

Craplandia Disclaimer: This is not for all marriages. Some of you are amazing spouses and never fuck up. I may live in Jensylvania but marriage is still no cake walk – except when you get to take a trip to the cupcake shop (but that’s not the point). You can use some, none, or all of these in your relationship!

This happens AFTER you smash the cake in eachother’s face.

Wedding Cake

Listen up Men… these are for you:

1. Use your tools(s) – If you say you’re going to put up shelving in the closet – do it. Then you’ll get to use the tool you really want to use that night.

2. You eat too – If you’re not going to cook then at least help clean and put the dishes away.

3. Let there be Twilight – whatever weird or extra girly romantic thing she’s into, let her have it. It’s what keeps you fed, laid, and happy.

4. Let them ogle – Some girls can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

Listen up Ladies… these are for you:

1. Keep it Hot – If you cook: excellent, men like food. If you cook sometimes: Super, keep it to their favorite meals. If you don’t – Keep the food warm from the delivery service. It all counts, it’s food in their bellies.

2. Fill up the gas tank – The man doesn’t always have to be the one to do the ‘outdoor’ chores. Save him the trouble of being your gas station attendant and leave the role playing for the bedroom.

3. Shut your mouth side seat driver – Sometimes the man really does know where he’s going. He doesn’t need to take YOUR way, he’s in control so let him be. 95% of the time he spends in your domain (the house) let him control the only %5 he’s got.

4. Let them ogle – Some guys can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

Advertisements

Grocery Store Gossip: Feeling up the Products

That normal guy and I spend our morning on the weekend going to a local eatery for some good old fashioned pancakes and then head to the grocery store.

I’m that normal housewife who thinks she’s going to cook throughout the week so she gets a huge list together hopeful that this will be the week she’s successful.

I’m getting better.

At buying fewer items, not cooking.

But this isn’t about beating myself up for not being a great cook… or one at all. This is the conversation I had last week when buying candy for work.

That normal guy: “Why are you buying so much?”

Me: “These people expect greatness from me. I must deliver.”

My quest for candy begins by scanning the shelves (no two stores are alike) to find the elite… Fruity flavors and Willy Wonka, of course.

I spot Starburst Reds. YES! *shakes fist in victory* return to grab another. My hand feels nothing but empty shelving.

Me: “Why on earth are they out of the best candy on earth?”

That normal guy: *left me for the chip aisle*

Dumb salty food peeps.

I continue searching and select jolly rancher crunch and chews (a must), berry starbursts, and all-time favorite of mine, Airheads.

I feel the Airhead bag to determine the softness of the chew worthy goodness. What? This is a thing people. I have yet to confirm if the candy is worth buying as I leave the aisle with my hands full and cross the sweets threshold into saltlandia where I drop the candy in the cart and shove the airhead bag at that normal guy.

That normal guy: “I won’t eat those babe.”

Me: “I know and neither will anyone else if you don’t feel the bag.”

That normal guy: *stares at me questioning why he married me* <– (this happens a lot).

Me: “Is it fresh?”

That normal guy: “I don’t know, I didn’t make them.”

He hands the bag to me. I admit defeat and drop in the cart.

Me – 0 

That Normal Guy – 1

Lesson: Marriage isn’t about feeling up candy.

That’s okay I still win in quirky points and that’s all that really counts.IMG_4331