Why am I not wearing any pants?

Thoughts during an important phone call conversation SHOULD be what you’ll say next. Yes, this is mostly the case for me… however there are a few extra bits that take over my brain and I focus on them. Thank God as women we can multi-task… and men think they do (only kidding, but not really).

Recent events left me feeling insecure about my clothing choices.

the radio interview was supposed to begin promptly. It did not. No one is taking blame here (because I don’t like taking blame)… it just happened.

When we were finally connected my business partner and I were ready to take on the world! From our homes. With a glass of wine, or a kitten on our lap. My business partner had the wine and she was probably lounging in the living room or some place normal like the kitchen. I was in my bed. Under the covers. With a cat settled on my lap.

Was I nervous? No… Was I preoccupied? Absolutely.

This interview was happening late at night. My hair was a mess from work and travel. I had tried to change into my pajamas after putting my little girl down to sleep but only managed half way. That’s right folks… I didn’t have my pants. And it’s all I could focus on.

Why am I not wearing pants? Will they notice? Does my voice sound different without pants on?

Once I convinced myself I sounded no different I moved on to the following thoughts:

1. Keep my cat quiet. I don’t want her meowing and then a listener hearing and not buying our book beacuse they don’t like cats.

2. Do I sound like a man?

3. I really wish I had pants. My legs are cold – even under the sheets.

4. Thank goodness I at least had time to put a top on.

5. Why did I pick a bean out of my hand in my dream last night? Did it have magical powers? Is that why it hurt like hell?

Thanksgiving Crisis: Missing Breadtopia

This morning I had to give that normal guy some pretty bad news.

ME: I forgot to pick up rolls? How could I? That’s a staple for Thanksgiving!

TNG: Yeah, that’s a pretty big mess up. How can I stand being married to someone who forgets ROLLS!!

ME: I know. I’m ashamed. Our marriage is clearly a sham.

TNG: Clearly, built on lies and deceit.

ME: Despite my ability to be a good wife you are an excellent husband. The bread defeats me once again.

TNG: I am willing to look past the horrible event and move on… I… Forgive… You.

ME: I don’t deserve your forgiveness but will gladly take it *grabs it before he changes his mind*

End Result: This colossal mistake will be handled and Breadtopia will resume at our house. I apologize for anyone I frightened with this mess up. Hopefully you don’t make the same mistake. You have a few days to get out there and buy ALL THE RIGHT THANKSGIVING STAPLES.

War Wound – The Boob Burn

War wound – the boob burn

Babies are magical beings. They have a way of screaming and getting whatever they want.

As adults mimicking their mannerisms leads us straight to a psych ward in a straight jacket.

As one of my newly acquired daily activities I was prepping new bottles by following directions. Boiling them in water before fixing one for Blair.

Exhaustion does not prepare you of warn you to be careful. You realize it’s hot water. You do not need to be told to NOT spill it on yourself – however being the tired and not overly cautious person I am – Crap happened.

Picture this:

I’m minding my own business. Waters boiled, bottles perfected and ready to be served room temp. All I have to do is retrieve them.

I look around for my protector. The end of a wooden spoon catches my eye – perfect! I can avoid burning the shit out my hands and get them dry with ease.

The wooden spoon handle makes contact with the inside of the bottle. I lift – not so carefully – thinking I have just the right angle to perfect my craft.

Then S-L-O-W-M-O-T-I-O-N hits as the bottle drops back into the water creating a massive tsunami that lands on the left side of my shirt. BAM it burns.

As a psycho I pull my shirt over my head and run to complain to that normal guy that it hurt like a bitch.

He laughs and says ‘Why would you do that to your boob?’

He also wises up and tells me to slap aloe Vera on it. And boy did I.

Today I have a war wound – three perfect circles on my First Class A cup. No, I will not so pictures – this is not a porn story.

Sex up the Fall – Couch Potato Style

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Fall is coming – Which means new television shows, more blockbuster movies, and endless amounts of food and holiday cheer (if you’re into that sort of thing… I’m not *stands in corner protecting Christmas Tree put up in July*)

Those New Year’s Resolutions you’ve been clinging onto (hardly) in hopes to have nailed your swim suit ready look are out the window come October (yes, people prep their stomachs to be able to handle the overload come Thanksgiving).

So I say, stuff your face with good intentions. Good food, good people, good televsion is on its way – embrace the change (yes, I’m referring to your pant size).

Here is a quick workout from the best person on the planet – a couch potato.

1. Remote Access – Leave the remote on the coffee table. Each time a commercial comes up you can lean forward, fast forward, and lean back. That’s like a ten second ab workout! Go you, you crazy wild tiger!

2. Spoon Yourself – Eating dinner on the couch? Sit at the edge of the couch, sitting straight up. Bring the silverware to you. Whoa – what happened – that’s right, we’re promoting great posture and strengthened those arms of yours!

3. Leg up – Do you stretch out on the couch? During a show make a point to lift your legs up above it’s resting place and count to five. Do this during the entire show and you’ve worked your leg muscles! You wo’t even need to wear heels to tighten those calves anymore… MEOW!

4. Head Rush – Lay upside down on your couch while watching a show. This provides an alternate angle for your viewing pleasure AND stretches out your back!

5. Dance Dumb – Your fav television show is about to start? Listen to the intro music and do a quick ten second dance. Jab your arms, kick your feet, and wiggle all about! If your man OR woman is around – a free lap dance doesn’t hurt – just make sure you’ve recorded the new fall preview. You don’t want to be the only one NOT talking about it the next day!

Craplandia Disclaimer: This is not terrible advice but if you’re looking for weight loss I’d suggest you find someone who actually has experience with the art of motivation and weight loss.

Dating for Life – After you smash the cake in their face

No this is not Ashley Madison. Dating shouldn’t end after vows are shared, you should simply change your tactics. There are still ways to woo your spouse.

Craplandia Disclaimer: This is not for all marriages. Some of you are amazing spouses and never fuck up. I may live in Jensylvania but marriage is still no cake walk – except when you get to take a trip to the cupcake shop (but that’s not the point). You can use some, none, or all of these in your relationship!

This happens AFTER you smash the cake in eachother’s face.

Wedding Cake

Listen up Men… these are for you:

1. Use your tools(s) – If you say you’re going to put up shelving in the closet – do it. Then you’ll get to use the tool you really want to use that night.

2. You eat too – If you’re not going to cook then at least help clean and put the dishes away.

3. Let there be Twilight – whatever weird or extra girly romantic thing she’s into, let her have it. It’s what keeps you fed, laid, and happy.

4. Let them ogle – Some girls can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

Listen up Ladies… these are for you:

1. Keep it Hot – If you cook: excellent, men like food. If you cook sometimes: Super, keep it to their favorite meals. If you don’t – Keep the food warm from the delivery service. It all counts, it’s food in their bellies.

2. Fill up the gas tank – The man doesn’t always have to be the one to do the ‘outdoor’ chores. Save him the trouble of being your gas station attendant and leave the role playing for the bedroom.

3. Shut your mouth side seat driver – Sometimes the man really does know where he’s going. He doesn’t need to take YOUR way, he’s in control so let him be. 95% of the time he spends in your domain (the house) let him control the only %5 he’s got.

4. Let them ogle – Some guys can’t hold in the hotness they see in the cuties on screen. They don’t want to leave you, they just want to appreciate what television truly offers. If anyone gets lucky that night, it’ll be you.

I’m a 64 cent stripper

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I’m quietly and respectively sitting in a McDonald’s drive-thru waiting for a small ice cream cone, minding my own business, when that normal guy sticks a dollar in my shirt.

Me: I’m now a fast food whore.

That Normal Guy (paying no mind to me): I put a dollar in your string.

Me: I’m officially the cheapest stripper.

That Normal Guy *still feeling awesome* (in a weird voice): I put it in your string but not your g-string.

Yup, I’m still a cheap date.

Lesson: Be a fast food whore if it gets you a 64 cent vanilla cone.

Weirdest Pick up lines – When Subway’s no longer healthy

1. If you like water, you already like 72% of me, so we should mate.

2. If you were a ladder I’d climb all over you.

3. Baby did you fart, cause I’m blown away.

4. I usually don’t follow someone on the first night, but for you I’ll make an exception.

5. Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.

6. That’s a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

7. I love my bed but I’d rather be in yours.

I do hope that if you’re out at a club and someone approaches you with a crazy pick up line you count to five and think – is it more cute or creepy? Some of these might have worked on me… but the others screamed potential future STALKER!

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